I think we've all had the experience of someone being hard to convince when the evidence is clear. Could be a co-worker, a manager or someone who reports to you.  We've had times when this lack of seeing something is accompanied by belligerance or aome other negative attitude. What can you do when this happens?

One has very little power in situations like this. However, there is an approach that I've learned that works well most of the time. In my case, I tend to use it a lot as a coach and trainer. It's fairly simple actually (simple to say, not always simple to do).  It's to ask yourself "what would an intelligent, motivated person be looking at (or not be looking at) that would have him/her take this position?" BTW: If you're talking to me and I'm the one who is being difficult, add "charming and handsome" ;) .

In other words, there is more power to believe you are talking to a motivated, intelligent person than there is in thinking you are talking to a belligerent jerk.  The good news, is that my experience in talking to many many people who are showing up as belligerent jerks are really not that but are reacting that way because they are looking at something differently than me and don't know how to have a conversation when there is conflicting ideas being discussed. When you take this attitude, you have some power in the situation - because there are things you can now do.  That is, you can discover what thoughts they are having that are holding them back.  Sometimes this is obvious and you'll get an immediate answer to your question. Don't tell the person they are wrong to think this way (remember, an answer you get to your own question is merely your thinking).  You can ask them if they think this way.  Ask them "why?".   You can engage with them now. 

You can also ask them "why do you say that?" and they will often tell you what they are looking at.  It is very often the case that talking about certain things are difficult but that talking about the reasons for those things are not as difficult. In fact, such a discussion can often lead to great insights for both you and whomever you are talking to. Be prepared, of course, that it is you who is looking at the wrong things (or not looking at the right things). Your willingness to learn creates a better energy and helps the person create this attitude as well.  And, admit it, it may be you that needs to learn something.

Taking a true attitude of learning opens up lots of possibilities. It is true, sometimes you will run across people who are more interested in arguing than learning.  But, surprisingly, I have run across this very very few times - literally only a handful and I've had thousands of conversations over more than a decade of coaching and training. Remember, you can't control anyone's thoughts.  But if you take the attitude that people are good and want to learn then you have more power than you would otherwise.  True power is not control. It is getting other people to see what will serve them if they only saw it.  This is not manipulation, this is service.

Related links:

Trim Tabs and Pickup Sticks. Alan Shalloway discusses why working on highly leverage items is a useful approach and how looking at experience to differentiate skill levels is not that helpful.

BookThe Power of Losing Control by Joe Caruso. The essence of this book is that people will only do what's in their best interest and what makes them right. I firmly believe this. As a coach, you have to make sure you keep this in mind or you will have little positive impact on who you are trying to help.

Instructor/Coach Attitude Checklist by Scott Bain.  A good list of important concepts to consider before starting a course or a coaching session with any group or individual.

The Fundamental Attribution Error. This is essentially when we infer someone's actions is due to their character rather than the sitation they are in. 

Alan Shalloway 

CEO, Net Objectives